Tuesday, January 17, 2012

One Month Away

Last week a sweet friend did a 3D Ultrasound for us to sneak a peak at baby.  My heart needed to see it's little face and see what Baby #4 is going to look like....or at least get a good idea.  About a month ago, someone reminded me that I had not shared on the blog the circumstances of how we got pregnant this time and the story of God's sovereignty in it.  Many of you probably already know a lot of the details, but wanted to put it on here in case you were curious....

After Sawyer was born, Jerrod and I felt a strong sense that he was our little blessing and provision from the Lord, and unsure if we would have more children.  We had done small measures in the past to get pregnant which included laparoscopies and Clomid, but after Sawyer, we felt like unless the Lord did a miracle, we were not going to pursue those options.  I wrestled in this a little, not quite sure how I felt about that at the time, but also wanting to follow and respect Jerrod's leadership in that.  I had started to experience endometriosis pain a couple of months after I stopped nursing Sawyer and went to see my OBGYN to discuss my options.  He decided birth control would be a good start since we didn't really want to have another laparoscopic surgery.  I was supposed to start the pill two weeks later when I started my next cycle.

I waited and waited for my cycle to start.  It was June and we were enjoying lots of trips to the water park and friends' pools, and just busy with the boys.  I was an emotional wreck for a couple of weeks as Tyler's glory day was approaching on June 24th, and just didn't feel right.  Two days before that, on June 22nd, we were on our way home from the water park and I started adding up my days and how late I was.  5 days late.  Not too late, but enough to make me curious.  I was in denial and even tried to put it off a few more days.  A friend dropped a test off at my door step and sure enough, a blue plus sign.

What in the world??  How could this be?  I was shocked.  I was scheduled to start birth control, it was two days before Tyler's Glory day (which was quite the timing), and as I started to look at the calendar, I lost  my breath when I looked at when the due date would be.  February 23rd.  And with a c-section, that makes it a week earlier...February 16th.

Exactly ONE week after Tyler's birthday, which is February 9th.  Baby #4 is scheduled to come one week to the day after Tyler's 3rd birthday.  My mind was racing with so many emotions and continues to amplify as time is growing very near.  Would this baby be a boy?  Would this baby look like Tyler?  Have dark hair the way Tyler did?   How and why has the Lord orchestrated all of this?  It feels overwhelming and it feels hard to imagine ourselves walking through all the same seasons we did with Tyler.  Very familiar and very close to home.

My heart wants so badly to trust the Lord, but my soul is grieving and overwhelmed and anxious.  Our prayer is that we would begin to bond with this baby now, as he/she will be here in around 4 short weeks.  Our prayer is that we would trust the plans that the Lord has for our family, whatever they are.  Our prayer is that we would embrace this enormous blessing and view it as such, a blessing.

Tyler is feeling farther and farther away and it makes my heart sad.  What would he have been like as a big boy of 3?  Would he have looked like me or Jerrod?  Would he be funny and witty?  Would he love sports the way his brothers do?  What would his nick names have been?  So many dreams and hopes for him remain just that....dreams.  But they are fresh, and the missing and grieving continue, especially as many people see our family as having 3 children instead of the four that are very real to us.  Our kitchen table would have been a full family of 6 in a few weeks.

My body and mind are weary and tired, and I know there is more of that to come in the weeks and months ahead.  I am praying for a supernatural peace and the ability to truly abide and rest in the Lord.

So, without further ado, here is baby Rumley in all its chubby glory:)  At nearly 34 weeks, he/she was already measuring 5 lbs, 7 oz.  Yikes!  This may be my biggest baby yet!  I'll try and put a poll together so that everyone can vote on gender and weight.  Sweet baby!  I think he looks a lot like Sawyer, what do you think?