Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Empty Day

Today just feels like such an empty day. I feel completely emptied out and my tank is running on near low. Not that I do not see the Lord in the little things and not that I am not grateful for so many things, it's just kind of one of those days. You know the ones where you just really don't want to get out of bed kind of days. I am in a lot of physical pain today from the beginnings of another period, yet another reason for feeling so incredibly empty. My arms feel empty, my hands feel empty, my womb feels empty, and quite frankly, my head feels a little empty today;)

I can tell that I have not had adequate time in His word since my feelings of hopelessness seem to be setting in. It's hard to really put a finger on just how I'm feeling. I don't think I'm angry at God, I don't think I question His sovereignty, but I'm just struggling to understand how my life has seemed to feel like it's slipping through His finger tips. Has He forgotten me? Has He taken His hand off of me? Does He still love me? All these things I know are not to be counted as true, but so often it feels like I am all alone, suspended in space, wandering aimlessly and blindly. Why is this so incredibly difficult? Why do I have such a hard time embracing where my life is and finding contentment?

As unbelievable as it is, the time is nearing that Tyler has actually been gone from this earth longer than he lived on it. How is that possible? The last year of my life feels like such a blur and I see with so much more clarity how our lives here on this earth are but a vapor. Our home is not here, our home is in Heaven --forever--with HIM.

Cooper continues to talk about his little brother, but his understanding of where Tyler is is still very simple. "He is with Jesus," Cooper will say. A couple of days ago he was role playing and pretending with a piece of paper. He ran over to me and said, "Do you know what this says?" I said, "No, tell me." He said, "It says, I miss Tyler and he is coming back home tomorrow to play with me."

My heart just sunk. If only Tyler were coming back to our house tomorrow. If only he were home. But he is home, I guess. As much as my heart aches, I know he is home.


  1. love you sweet friend. you are not alone, and God has not, and never will, forsake you. we pray for you daily and love you so much. we miss your little tyler and just can't imagine how hard each day must be for you. we are always here for you... a shoulder, a hug, a prayer, some chocolate ganache cake.. whatever you need. xo

  2. Psalm 107:6-9- "Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. Let them give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for men, for He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things."
    vrs. 19-20- "Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He saved them from their distress. He sent forth His Word and healed them; He rescued them from the grave."

    Psalm 119; 89-94- "Your Word, O Lord is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens. Your faithfulness continues through all generations; you established the earth and it endures. Your laws endure to this day, for all things serve you. If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction. I will never forget your precepts, for by them you have preserved my life. Save me, for I am yours; I have sought out your precepts."

    May He send forth His Word and bring healing, comfort, and peace to you today. His Word is TRUTH and He is a STRONG foundation when all else seems to be crumbling.
    Praying for You today.

  3. Dear Jen ~

    Thank you for sharing so honestly about where you are today. This outpouring of your heart takes such courage and strength. These are the psalms of your life.

    Empty is such a vivid word picture of grief. I grieve with you as you encounter these twists and turns along your own journey. And as the holiday season comes, the crush of grief will be so real.

    On these days when hopes of another pregnancy are dashed, when your arms ache to hold Tyler, when Cooper looks forward to playing with his little brother . . . I pray that you will give yourself the gift of rest ~ lay your empty soul in the lap of Abba Father ~ and ask Him to fill you as only He can do.

    Praying with you as we wait for that blessed reunion. Until then, know that your loss is not in vain. He will one day redeem all things unto Himself.

    Grace and Peace,


  4. Thank you for your vulnerability and a little window into your heart. I remember reading this verse together the day after Tyler went to be with Jesus. It is my prayer for you. I love you so much my friend. I know your arms will always long to hold Tyler again. I am thankful for the Hope we have in Jesus and that you will see him again someday. I love you and my heart is heavy on days like today for you.

    Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." - Lamentations 3:22-24

  5. Praying for you tonight precious friend. Praying that Jesus fills up all that feels empty right now in a way that only He can. I love you and wish I was closer, especially on days like today!

  6. praying for you and grateful for your vulnerability and heart to open up. there are so many things that i can identify with you in this entry, know though that you are being prayed for even from the sidelines, my hope is that it is of some comfort to you. may you feel loved more and more every day and may you find comfort in His words, in His people in His love.

  7. Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear to my cry; Do not be silent at my tears... Psalm 39:12

    Love you, Jen.

  8. my brain is a little empty of thought but my eyes are full of tears. i wish so much that i could lift the pain from your heart and carry it in mine. i hate that you are feeling the way you do and i hate that i can connect with some of it. i'm sorry that there's nothing i can do to make it go away, but i'm so grateful for a god who keeps our tears in his bottle and who will one day wipe them all away. "it's gonna be worth it!"

    "For I consider the sufferings of this presnttime ar not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed to us."
    Rom. 8:18

  9. I am a friend of Ashley Keylor. She shared your loss with many of us. I prayed heartfelt prayers for you as we, too, lost a baby back in 2000. I can tell you that God has been so faithful. He has blessed our family beyond measure. But today, some 9 1/2 years later, I still have "empty days". Today was one and your blog (with the precious music in the background) ministered to me. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20