Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Where I am weak, He is strong

As the days and weeks keep passing, I find myself looking at my blog and feeling very overwhelmed. So many moments in my day, I feel like the Lord reveals parts of Himself, truths that can only come from Him, glimpses of His faithfulness and goodness, and reminders of the abundant blessings He's lavished in our lives. Other moments, He's faithful to reveal specks (or lets be honest, sometimes logs) in my eye, showing me areas where I fall short, don't measure up and how desperately I need His grace.

I feel as though those moments are so powerful, and in the moment I wish I had the time to sit down in the moment and write all that He is doing in my heart, but unfortunately in the hustle and bustle of life, the moments are fleeting. So, here I am, doing my best to share a few nuggets of what the Lord's been doing in me.

The last few weeks have been rough. I'm pretty sure I went through (and may still be going through) a little depression. To compound that, or maybe what's causing it to be worse, is that we have a 6 month old that is not sleeping through the night yet. I have been beating myself up, feeling like I have been doing all the right things without any of the reward. Cooper slept through the night at 8 weeks, so I question what in the world I'm doing wrong ;) The past week or two has been much better, as I have been the schedule nazi, trying to work on consistency and it has helped tremendously.

To make matters worse, my anxiety has been pretty much on a level 10. For so long, 6 months has been my goal, my end point, my light at the end of the tunnel. I was so confident that once Sawyer was almost 6 months, that I would breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that the statistics were in our favor in relation to SIDS. After all, we had surpassed 4 1/2 months, praise the LORD! Unfortunately, as 6 months grows closer, I feel my anxiety raising again. In many ways I'm even ashamed to tell you how often I check the video monitor. You might equate it to some peoples' obsession with Facebook ;) Seriously, I feel like I'm glued to the thing!

This past week, we hit a turning point. Sawyer started sleeping so much better during his naps and at night, but with that came rolling over onto his tummy. Yep. You guessed it. That's exactly how he's determined to sleep. No matter how many times we would go in to reposition him, roll him over, and put the passy in, he's determined to be on his tummy. Not only that, but unwilling to have his face COMPLETELY turned to the side, but rather smooshed a little bit to the mattress. Be still my anxious heart! I wake up in a widespread panic multiple times a night to check on him, fearing the worst. I prepare myself almost each time I enter his room for fear of what I might find. After all, the Lord does not promise tomorrow, and just because He took Tyler, doesn't mean He couldn't or wouldn't take Sawyer too.

Needless to say, I'm exhausted. It feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and in many ways I feel like I've bought into the lie that it is up to me to keep Sawyer alive. Horrible and inaccurate, but a very real reality of where God is delivering me from. I love my sweet friends and especially my hubby too, so graciously and lovingly speaking truth into my life. The truth is, as one friend put it, I'm either going to trust and believe He is sovereign or I'm not. Yikes! Am I really believing He is sovereign in my life? I certainly am not living like I believe that. I take hold of the reigns way too often and the second I try to let go and give God permission to take hold of EVERY area of my life, I find myself right back where I started...yanking the reigns back, fooling myself into believing that I have everything more under control than the Almighty God, Creator of Heaven and earth. It sounds so incredibly dumb when you really stop and think about it, to think that I might have it more figured out or have better ideas of how my life should run than He does. So often I fail to invite God into the process, into the corners of my life, and allow Him to search my anxious thoughts (which are many;). I'm missing out on so much depth in my relationship with Jesus, because I'm so focused on all the immediate and pressing issues in my life.

What's more, is that if He is who He says He is, He loves my precious babies more than I could ever dream of loving them. He desires good for my life. Life is not always good, but HE is. Many days, trusting Him is a choice. A decision. It's not something I always feel, but rather a conscious choosing that His way includes the big picture, something that my near sightedness is blinded to. I'm so grateful for a Savior that sees my inadequacies, my human faults, and my inability to trust Him fully, and still His grace abounds all the more in the areas where I am weak. For where I am weak (really weak!), He is strong. A simple song, a simple truth, yet a profound statement that we make so complicated.


  1. Oh Jen, I am so sorry you are going through this. I've suffered anxiety since my daughter was sick at 2 weeks old and was hospitalized. It's a horrible feeling. You must be so utterly exhausted both physically and emotionally with the way you described your nights. I hope you can find some peace soon.

  2. You know, our lives are so very different. Yet, we struggle with the same things...trusting in God's sovereignty. I am so sorry for your loss. Oh, and I wanted to add that my first one slept through the night at 7 months and my second one slept through the night at 10 weeks, then stopped and now FINALLY at 10 MONTHS is sleeping through the night again. Ha! Babies have their own little ideas about sleep :)

  3. What are your thoughts about an Angel Care Monitor to use while Sawyer is sleeping? That may give you some peace of mind that you WILL be alerted if something does happen to him and God forbid he would stop breathing.

  4. I was just going to suggest the Angelcare Monitor. We have it and I LOVE it. It doesn't have the video, but it has an alarm that goes off when it doesn't sense breathing for 20 seconds.

  5. Jen, I am much older than you and I still struggle with leaving my fears and anxieties at the cross and then have to force myself to keep from picking them back up to worry a little more. How human we are and yet God is still faithful and loves us. WOW that is awesome. My oldest, my daughter whom I believe you know, did not sleep through the night until 12-13 months.

  6. My son had bad acid relux and the only way he would sleep besides me or my husband holding him was on his stomach. He finally slept through the night at 15 months. Hang in there!!! Katy Mc

  7. I second the Angel Care Monitor. I don't have children yet, but my sister used it for both of her babies and I thought it was wonderful! It definitely gave me peace of mind when I babysat for her. I can only imagine what you're going through. Hugs to you and your sweet family!

  8. I'll go ahead and say angelcare monitor too! Its amazing. Oh and my son is a year old and still isnt sleeping. You are not alone!

  9. Jen -
    It is hard to process anything when sleep levels are low :) but I think he is doing much better seeing how Im commenting 2 months after your post.

    As I was reading (and you do such a good job of being real and transparent), the scripture that came to my mind is "Perfect love casts out all fear" 1John 4:18.

    I am a fearful person by nature and I must always remind myself that God will not put anything in my path that I cannot handle. He loves me too much and therefore His love casts out my fear.

    When Justus was 2 weeks old he was admitted to the PICU at Childrens. We had no idea anything was wrong. My trust and fear were tried. Then I remembered Ps 139. Im sure you know it well. For us, we knew He had formed J just as He purposed. We had to trust and not be afraid.

    Ill be praying for you and your sweet family!