Wednesday, September 9, 2009

7 Months

It's so hard to believe that Tyler would have been 7 months today. What would he be doing? If he was anything like his big brother, he'd be all over the place. He was so strong, but yet a little more laid back and reserved than how Cooper was then. I wonder what sounds he would be making.....would he be crawling, would he love his exersaucer or the jumper? It's so strange how you often recognize children that are close in age to what Tyler would have been. Whether I'm in Target or the grocery store or out at the park, you pay attention to those little ones that remind you of your own.

It's so hard to believe that he's been gone for such a short amount of time.....less than three months. As Jerrod said, we often feel like all we have are memories. I do remember how he felt in my arms, what his chubby legs felt like, his cheek against mine. I want to remember those things forever; however, I know with time, those memories will fade from being so vivid. It's so heart-breaking to think of that day ever coming.

Tyler was such a little peanut when he was born. Only weighing 5 pds., 11 oz., he was so little and precious. This picture was taken when he was less than a week old. Isn't he precious? I just love him so much!

The little outfit he has on is a premie outfit that swallowed him. I never thought I would ever have such a tiny precious gift, but here he is. I often wonder what he is doing with the Lord. Is he singing and praising Him? Is he playing? Does he sit on Jesus's lap and rock? I know and believe that he is truly home, but it's so hard to want to physically see that he is okay and being taken care of. It seems like a weird thought, because OF COURSE the Lord is taking care of him. After all, He made every part of him and knew him from the beginning of time. But as a mommy you are made to take care of the children God entrusts you with. When they are entrusted to someone else's care, you just want to check up on them.

I wanted to share a Psalm with you. To give you a little background, this Psalm continues to come back to minister to my heart. When we had been trying to conceive for the first time, the Lord showed me these verses. Amidst our miscarriages and then finally conceiving both Cooper and Tyler, this Psalm keeps coming back to my mind. My boys are the very work of God's hand in my life and they are evidence of God's goodness, sovereignty and timing. As a believer in Christ, I believe that He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He never changes - even when life around me can be so unstable, unpredictable and unfair. What God is so great as our God?

Psalm 77
"I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.

I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night. My heart mused and my spirit inquired: 'Will the Lord reject forever? Will He never show His favor again? Has His unfailing love vanished forever? Has His promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has He in anger withheld his compassion?'

Then I thought, 'To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High.' I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds. Your ways, O God, are holy. What God is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. With you mighty arm you redeemed your people."

Display your power in my life, Oh Lord, for you alone are worthy to be praised. For where I am weak, you are strong. Thank you, Jesus!


  1. Jennifer, I have recently found your blog and wanted you to know I have cried many tears and prayed many prayers for your loss!! I am so glad you are able to share your thoughts with us and help us all to know how to pray for you! Tyler and Cooper are precious! I have felt many of your same feelings you have shared with my tough, but different losses! I even worried about what my Mom was eating because I had fed her for so long. I would like to email or talk if you would like sometime and maybe pass any helpful things I have learned through my own grief. You and your sweet family are being covered in prayers by so many. Thanks for sharing, Elizabeth Farmer

  2. Jen,

    I want you to know that my heart aches for you. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for being so transparent. I know that we spoke a few times when I did nursery at North campus. I remember seeing your belly grow and then seeing Tyler at Moms and More. You are in my prayers daily. I pray for peace for you.

    Rebecca Freshwater

  3. Hey Jen,
    I am Whit Penick's cousin and I met you years ago. My heart cried out for you when I heard the news of little Tyler. I have prayed for you and your family many, many nights and I will continue to keep you in my prayers as time goes on!
    In HIM - Evelyn Miles Wade

  4. Always praying. Always always.

  5. I cried reading this today thinking about you guys. I am so sad... but I am so thankful about how you have glorified God through it all. My wife's faith has strengthend, as well as my own. It has reminded us to take our "signs" to Christ and trust in him. I am thankful for your friendship, and I continue to pray for you guys. Josh Watney

  6. Our son Caleb was three years old when he unexpectedly died. Never, ever do you feel equipped to handle such tragic loss. You will not forget Cooper's feel. Our girls are constant reminders of Caleb. One looks just like him, one was his big sister, one has his laugh. He has his mommy and daddy's heart forever. Such brokenness allows us to dig deep and cling so tightly to our Maker. Never ever will you trust in the promises of God. I take comfort know that I have already had the worst day of my life. Praying for your heart. I know that God will continue to cradle you.

  7. Jen, I've been away from FB for a while but went to check in on you and found your new blog. I LOVE it. It's scary to put yourself out there, but can bring such hope. Thank you for sharing what you are really thinking about and feeling. Sweet Jen, I ache to hug you.