Thursday, September 24, 2009

Just 3 Short yet Long Months Ago

How does life move so quickly, yet many times stay at such a stand still at the same time? On June 24th, just three months ago, my sweet Tyler went to be with the Lord. I think the reality of what we have lost has begun to sink in and our new normal is not so pleasant, and frankly, not normal at all.

We took the graphic to the memorial place to have Tyler's headstone made yesterday and I am hoping it turns out just beautiful. I am thrilled with the work that my sweet friend Cori did with it and I can't wait for it to be in place so I can go to see Tyler. I think it represents and honors my sweet little boy. I will post pictures when we go so you can all see it.

The day we buried him I told Jerrod through sobbing tears and gasping breaths that I just didn't think I could go back until we had everything in place. And so I haven't. I drive by all the time and want to go in, but I just want Tyler's headstone to be set before I go. I look forward to going and taking flowers and other things to lay there very soon.

It's a very weird feeling, as I was telling a friend. Because I know that Tyler is not "there," but that he is with the Lord. I know that in my head, but my mother's heart feels like he's out there all alone. That he's lonely, scared, uncomfortable, cold, hot..... all those things you would worry about for your baby. You don't ever leave a baby alone, so to leave him alone, unattended, just doesn't seem right and feels very counter to anything a mother would do for her baby.

I know that Tyler is the farthest thing from being lonely or scared. He is much less lonely or scared than I am, that's for sure. I am confident that he is resting securely and comfortably in the arms of a gracious Savior, I'm just sad that it wasn't in MY arms for longer.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who is still praying and encouraging us. You are lifting us up in ways that we could not do for ourselves and bearing our burdens daily. Thank you for each email, each facebook comment, each phone call, each card. I read them all and love them. I am always reminded that God's intent was never for us to do life alone.

Thank you too for the comments and emails about letting go of my guilt. God knows just what I need to hear, so thank you. The more I have walked this road, the more I know that there is nothing I could have done or not done to prevent this. My sweet friend here that lost her little girl in April was actually holding her baby in the bjorn. She is a trained ER nurse and still nothing prevented her from going home. God's ways are sovereign. I am confident I will never understand it all and the great part is, He doesn't expect me to. He just expects me to trust Him and to give Him my life. That is where my focus is today. Trusting a Sovereign God and giving Him ALL of me.

Be blessed today;)



  1. God is sovereign and someday we will understand. I remember one mom told me as I journeyed with her along a similar road: "Even if God told me the 'why' - it would not be a good enough reason today."

    Jesus said in John 16:23 "In that day you will ask nothing of me."

    I continue to pray God's comfort for you and Jerrod as you journey this road.

  2. Praying for you today and always.

  3. As we continue to pray for you and your family I am so thankful that the friend you wrote about who is also my friend has you in her life. You have been such a blessing and I thank you so much for that.

  4. Have been praying and will continue to do so...

  5. I remember counting down the days, then weeks, months, and now years. It does change and you no longer live your life by how long it's been. My thoughts remain on how much I miss them. Even with different grief experiences so many of our thoughts are so similar. I read several good books, attended a grief Bible study and still search for something to take away the intense longing to be with them. Some things seem to help and some seem to hurt more at times. Someone told me once that grief can hit you like a wave in the ocean when you don't even see it coming. I feel that is so true and at times think that I may drown in it. Please know that you are still being covered in prayer by me and so many others. Elizabeth