Saturday, May 15, 2010

Going Bonkers ;)

This bed rest thing is not all it's cracked up to be. I must admit, I'm going a little bonkers! The first day is kind of nice, and then after that, not so much ;)

It's hard to believe it's only been a week, and the harder part is thinking about all the weeks I have ahead. To be completely honest, I have really been wrestling with my fears and thoughts.

I have never been that overly paranoid mother when my kids are sick, I'm not a big germ freak, and I don't tend to dwell on all the bad things that can happen to my children. For a long while I had the mentality that, "Oh well, they'll be fine."

After losing Tyler, all that has changed for me. I find myself sending Cooper off to preschool wondering if he chokes at lunch, will the teachers know the heimlich maneuver? If Cooper were to have some terminal illness, would I know it and be able to get him help? I find myself thinking about all the things that could happen to Sawyer, from the cord wrapping around his neck, to infections, to SIDS again.

It's quite crippling. Unfortunately laying here in bed most of the day lends me to thinking about more of these crazy and unlikely possibilities. I find myself rationalizing with God and thinking thoughts like, "Well, my big, hard thing has already happened, so surely I'm good now."

Completely stupid, irrational, and not based on an ounce of truth.

The truth is, I believe in a Sovereign GOD. He can do, and will do, what He pleases. He has my best interest at heart. He asks me to trust and not fear. He requires me to sit, listen and not speak. He has an eternal perspective that I can only pray to catch glimpses of. He loves me with an unconditional and gracious love. After all, He is the God of the universe, yet knows me intimately and pursues me passionately.

My prayer is to sit and know that He is GOD. Just as He formed my most inward parts, knows the hairs on my head, and knew me before the earth was fashioned, so He knows my boys. All of them. He has the past, present and future in His hands, and that should be enough.


  1. Jen ~ Thinking of you so much and wish I could come over and hang out with you. ; )

    Thank you for ministering to my heart. Love you!

  2. I was on bed rest for 12 weeks due to preterm labor. We made it to 37 weeks and I really believe it was because of bed rest. I contracted EVERYDAY! all day. It is very hard and some days I would just cry but when all is said and done you you wont even remember how much it stunk! i'll be thinking of you! stay strong!

  3. Jen, I'm right there with you. I was diagnosised with tachcardia and ever since then It's like I think "what if it happens here?" What if I can't get it to stop? What if it causes a heart attack? I hate living with fear. I've turned it over to God daily but it is still so hard. I will be praying for you. Blessings.

  4. The last time you and your boys came to my mind (just a few days ago, I was mentally putting myself in your shoes ~ empathizing). The two things I thought that I would struggle with the most was the exact fears you mentioned in your blog and perhaps unnecessary guilt for experiencing great joy (Sawyer)in the midst of the pain (Tyler). I found myself led to pray for you that you would allow yourself the freedom to experience guilt free joy and allow yourself to be just a little overprotective over this baby. God knows what you've been through... He will give you peace and comfort, but He will understand when you need to take one more peek to make sure Sawyer is OK. That's the very maternal instict that He created in you... God knows your heart. That you trust Him even when you take an extra peek ~ you are a trooper sister! Jer 29:11

  5. Hey Jen,
    I'm a mommy in Florida who has been following your blog. I was on bed rest from 23 weeks on with my last baby, I know it is so hard! I blogged about it - if you want to read some thoughts that are probably similar to yours be guest! (you have to go back to my 2008 archives) Your blog has meant alot to me, my cousin (who is my best friend) lost her baby boy after he was born this past fall. It is such a blessing to be able to find people we identify with through blogs. I'll be praying for you as you spend time in bed - hugs girl!