Tuesday, January 17, 2012

One Month Away

Last week a sweet friend did a 3D Ultrasound for us to sneak a peak at baby.  My heart needed to see it's little face and see what Baby #4 is going to look like....or at least get a good idea.  About a month ago, someone reminded me that I had not shared on the blog the circumstances of how we got pregnant this time and the story of God's sovereignty in it.  Many of you probably already know a lot of the details, but wanted to put it on here in case you were curious....

After Sawyer was born, Jerrod and I felt a strong sense that he was our little blessing and provision from the Lord, and unsure if we would have more children.  We had done small measures in the past to get pregnant which included laparoscopies and Clomid, but after Sawyer, we felt like unless the Lord did a miracle, we were not going to pursue those options.  I wrestled in this a little, not quite sure how I felt about that at the time, but also wanting to follow and respect Jerrod's leadership in that.  I had started to experience endometriosis pain a couple of months after I stopped nursing Sawyer and went to see my OBGYN to discuss my options.  He decided birth control would be a good start since we didn't really want to have another laparoscopic surgery.  I was supposed to start the pill two weeks later when I started my next cycle.

I waited and waited for my cycle to start.  It was June and we were enjoying lots of trips to the water park and friends' pools, and just busy with the boys.  I was an emotional wreck for a couple of weeks as Tyler's glory day was approaching on June 24th, and just didn't feel right.  Two days before that, on June 22nd, we were on our way home from the water park and I started adding up my days and how late I was.  5 days late.  Not too late, but enough to make me curious.  I was in denial and even tried to put it off a few more days.  A friend dropped a test off at my door step and sure enough, a blue plus sign.

What in the world??  How could this be?  I was shocked.  I was scheduled to start birth control, it was two days before Tyler's Glory day (which was quite the timing), and as I started to look at the calendar, I lost  my breath when I looked at when the due date would be.  February 23rd.  And with a c-section, that makes it a week earlier...February 16th.

Exactly ONE week after Tyler's birthday, which is February 9th.  Baby #4 is scheduled to come one week to the day after Tyler's 3rd birthday.  My mind was racing with so many emotions and continues to amplify as time is growing very near.  Would this baby be a boy?  Would this baby look like Tyler?  Have dark hair the way Tyler did?   How and why has the Lord orchestrated all of this?  It feels overwhelming and it feels hard to imagine ourselves walking through all the same seasons we did with Tyler.  Very familiar and very close to home.

My heart wants so badly to trust the Lord, but my soul is grieving and overwhelmed and anxious.  Our prayer is that we would begin to bond with this baby now, as he/she will be here in around 4 short weeks.  Our prayer is that we would trust the plans that the Lord has for our family, whatever they are.  Our prayer is that we would embrace this enormous blessing and view it as such, a blessing.

Tyler is feeling farther and farther away and it makes my heart sad.  What would he have been like as a big boy of 3?  Would he have looked like me or Jerrod?  Would he be funny and witty?  Would he love sports the way his brothers do?  What would his nick names have been?  So many dreams and hopes for him remain just that....dreams.  But they are fresh, and the missing and grieving continue, especially as many people see our family as having 3 children instead of the four that are very real to us.  Our kitchen table would have been a full family of 6 in a few weeks.

My body and mind are weary and tired, and I know there is more of that to come in the weeks and months ahead.  I am praying for a supernatural peace and the ability to truly abide and rest in the Lord.

So, without further ado, here is baby Rumley in all its chubby glory:)  At nearly 34 weeks, he/she was already measuring 5 lbs, 7 oz.  Yikes!  This may be my biggest baby yet!  I'll try and put a poll together so that everyone can vote on gender and weight.  Sweet baby!  I think he looks a lot like Sawyer, what do you think?


  1. I have so many of the same thoughts and emotions...all for different reasons, of course. For some reason I feel a sense of disconnect with this pregnancy and am hoping the bonding will come into full effect when she arrives. As I pray for for my own "supernatural" strength, I will lift you and Jerrod up as well.
    May His face shine upon us today...

  2. Praying for you daily Jen! I was just thinking about your due date and realizing the correlation in timing between this baby and Tyler's birthday. You are such a blessing to my life, such an example of grace to walk the path that God has set before you for His glory. I was so astounded by this verse as I spent time with the Savior this morning and I ask this for you today:
    Now I commit you to God and to the word of His grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified.
    Acts 20:32
    Thank you for sharing your heart to openly, and choosing to trust God's goodness and grace to carry you every day.
    For the record...I think it's a little lady in there:)
    Love you all so much!
    Love-The Littlepages

  3. Love your openness and vulnerability! Love.YOU.friend!

  4. God is so good. Praying for you to have peace!!!

  5. Precious little. So loved reading this post on how this little miracle came to be. Jen, I also wanted to let you know that Nick, the kids, and I just moved to CA last week! We are super close to you all in Palo Alto. Would love to orchestrate a way to see you and Jerrod and meet the kids. Praying for you as you prepare your heart, mind and body to meet this new little love of yours....

  6. No matter who he/she looks like...it is one beautiful baby...gorgeous mouth!! It will be wonderful no matter what!

  7. Hi! My husband went to school with your husband. Grant told me about your blog, and I am a new follower. :) Congratulations on your pregnancy! We live in So. Cal and are also expecting a baby... in March! Good luck!
    Brooke Stone