Friday, November 20, 2009

More than Just a Picture

Many pictures hang and sit in my house, but as I was getting ready this morning, I was looking at a picture of my little Tyler. I love looking at pictures of both of my boys. The intricate details that God gives each one of us. How special and unique we are as children of the Most High. I love looking at Cooper's dimple in his chin and the depth I see in his eyes. I love looking at Tyler's cheeks and his smile is so contagious. I started thinking about all these pictures I have, but they are only a representation and a still frame of the actual person and being that they are. There is so much more to all of us than what a picture captures. On just a picture you only catch a glimpse of a moment in time.

As I reflected on my picture of Tyler, I have to sometimes remind myself not just of what he looked like, but of who he was. How he giggled, how he kicked his feet and how he loved to be held. He was a real little boy. A real baby that lived and breathed on this earth. I wanted to share a video that we took of him so that he remains a real boy to me and not just a picture, a memory or a story you might have heard about. He is so much more than just a picture.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Happy 9 Months

We miss you sweet baby! Longing for Heaven more than ever. I still miss kissing those cheeks and pinching those legs;) Love you so much.....

Thursday, November 5, 2009


Cooper as Dash from the Incredibles = HILARIOUS;)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

From the Inside Out

Yesterday, Cooper and I played outside in the afternoon and he rode his motorcycle with some of our sweet neighbors. I sat and talked with the two other moms, who are both believers, which has been so neat to watch even just our little section of our street and how many people love God. They have been an amazing support and so encouraging and thoughtful. I noticed that they were beginning to bandage one of the baby's hands who touched the hot fire place on the hearth a few days ago. It brought me back to last summer when Cooper touched a very hot halogen bulb while we were on a photo shoot down town. It burned the majority of his palm, quickly blistered up, even over the joints in his first two fingers, and required a few trips to the burn unit at the community hospital. Quite traumatic I might add;)

As I sat and talked with these moms, mostly reassuring them of our experience and how well Cooper's hand healed, I remembered all that we went through. It was quite a process from start to finish of puncturing the blister, washing it out several times a day, putting an antibacterial wrap on it, stretching the hand to keep the skin from growing back too tight, all with a busy and not so agreeable 2 year old.

Watching them bandage his hand, probably for the second or third time that day, it brought me right back and to a place of seeing God in my life. I think about the trauma our family has endured over these last few months. I think about how we have been burned, scared, wounded, left gaping. I think about the cleansing that has happened as we have been rubbed raw, only to see the strength, power and glory of our Lord Jesus as he has covered us with gentle dressings and brought comfort like only He can. He is continuing to stretch us in ways that are so uncomfortable to make sure we grow back just the way we were designed to, healthy and even stronger, free from handicaps.

There will always be memories of the trauma of the day Tyler died, just like there will always be memories of the day Cooper burned his hand. Our lives are full of memories, some good, some hard, some enjoyable, some unbearable. Our lives are defined by the moments we see God's very hand at work. Our faith is deepened by the trials we face and the hardships we endure. Our love for Jesus grows the more we see our need for a redeemer, the very One who took the weight of our sins on His shoulders so that we could not only have life, but life abundantly. How precious is our God? How unworthy I am to be called His, yet He loves me without falter. I desperately want all of who He is and my ability to do any of this on my own is impossible.

He is cleansing me and making me whole from the inside out. Just like Cooper's hand had to begin healing from the deepest wounds to the outermost layer of his hand, so is God doing the very same thing to my heart. The healing hurts, the wounds are still very fresh, but He has not left me or abandoned me. He is okay with my squirms and pulling away from the hurt. He is not surprised by the time it is taking. He fully sees the angst on my face and tears that insue. He is okay with me. Just as I am. From the inside out.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Empty Day

Today just feels like such an empty day. I feel completely emptied out and my tank is running on near low. Not that I do not see the Lord in the little things and not that I am not grateful for so many things, it's just kind of one of those days. You know the ones where you just really don't want to get out of bed kind of days. I am in a lot of physical pain today from the beginnings of another period, yet another reason for feeling so incredibly empty. My arms feel empty, my hands feel empty, my womb feels empty, and quite frankly, my head feels a little empty today;)

I can tell that I have not had adequate time in His word since my feelings of hopelessness seem to be setting in. It's hard to really put a finger on just how I'm feeling. I don't think I'm angry at God, I don't think I question His sovereignty, but I'm just struggling to understand how my life has seemed to feel like it's slipping through His finger tips. Has He forgotten me? Has He taken His hand off of me? Does He still love me? All these things I know are not to be counted as true, but so often it feels like I am all alone, suspended in space, wandering aimlessly and blindly. Why is this so incredibly difficult? Why do I have such a hard time embracing where my life is and finding contentment?

As unbelievable as it is, the time is nearing that Tyler has actually been gone from this earth longer than he lived on it. How is that possible? The last year of my life feels like such a blur and I see with so much more clarity how our lives here on this earth are but a vapor. Our home is not here, our home is in Heaven --forever--with HIM.

Cooper continues to talk about his little brother, but his understanding of where Tyler is is still very simple. "He is with Jesus," Cooper will say. A couple of days ago he was role playing and pretending with a piece of paper. He ran over to me and said, "Do you know what this says?" I said, "No, tell me." He said, "It says, I miss Tyler and he is coming back home tomorrow to play with me."

My heart just sunk. If only Tyler were coming back to our house tomorrow. If only he were home. But he is home, I guess. As much as my heart aches, I know he is home.

Monday, November 2, 2009