Thursday, June 24, 2010

A Year

It's so hard to believe it's been a year since we gave Tyler back to the Lord. Where has the time gone? I feel like it was just yesterday that I held him and kissed his sweet little cheeks. I think back to a year ago and finding my precious little boy lifeless in his crib, and it feels so vivid even still. As I write this, new life moves within me and reminds me that the Lord truly does give and take away. While I do not understand the why, I still choose to trust that HE knows and has great purpose for every single thing that has happened.

Jerrod and I had a sweet moment with Cooper last night. I went it to tell him goodnight and give hugs and kisses and he asked to get his little blue Bible. He calls it his "sleep Bible" because it's just a little New Testament Bible that he likes to sleep with it :) Too cute! Anyways, he talked about wanting to read it and have Jesus in his heart. I talked with him a little while about how when we pray and ask God to come into our hearts that He will and we can live with Him forever. He said he wanted to pray. So I went in to get Jerrod and we kneeled beside Coop's bed and just talked for a while. For a four year old, he really does have a pretty good understanding of God's love for us, His death on the cross and how He rose again. While I know that it's a simple faith, and the understanding of sin is still complex, he prayed for Jesus to come into his heart last night. I feel like it was just a sweet gift for me on the eve of Tyler's death.

Last night I went in to check on Cooper, as I do many times each evening and throughout the night. I sat and just watched him sleep, something that has become hard for me unfortunately. It's so hard to see a baby or child sleeping for me, but in any case, I just watched him sleep there peacefully, watching each breath. I just couldn't help but just say out loud, "Thank you God for this gift. Thank you for every breath that he takes and thank you for this life." It's so easy to take little things for granted when you have not lost. But when you have, it changes you.

Today we will be together with lots of friends stopping by and just taking the time to remember our precious Tyler. We miss you sweet boy and so wish we could have you here with us. We praise God for your life and know that you are resting in the arms of our loving Father. We love you so much and can't wait for the day when we are reunited with you in Glory.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Baby Sawyer

We had a 4D ultrasound today compliments of a sweet friend. It was so fun to see sweet Sawyer's face. His little feet were in front of his face a lot so it was hard to get a good pic, but here are just a few......

( Here's the one where you can see his feet crossed in front of his face. You can even see a little smirk on his face under there:)

It's so fun to see him and he looks so much like Cooper, especially the profile pictures. He definitely has the cleft in his chin like both of the boys (and their daddy:) I need to dig out some pics of Coop from when he was first born. We'll do a little comparison when Sawyer gets here!

Here's one more pic...this is 30 weeks prego and I need to take my 32 week one soon. It's hard to believe that I am now 8 months pregnant and only about 6 more weeks to go!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Ultrasound Today

We had our ultrasound today and I put it in the back of my mind till we started driving there. I really had hoped and prayed for a great technician. One that would be sensitive, sweet and understanding of where we've been. One that would reassure us as much as she could and not leave us hanging with no information through the weekend. I could not have been more pleased or felt more of a presence of God's faithfulness than today.

It was a little distracting for J with Coop whining and having a hard time sitting still since he's had a cold, but other than that it was truly miraculous. We have never had an ultrasound this late in our pregnancies, so it was pretty remarkable to see Sawyer's sweet little face and other features. It was only a 2D ultrasound, but boy could you see a lot!

When we first got in there, I asked the tech about the cord...she was a little reluctant because she said often times the cord is actually wrapped. Not that it is causing any problems, but that's just where it is. She said she would look, but then I finished what she was thinking and said, "But it will probably stress me out more, huh??"

She kind of laughed and told me she'd look at it. Everything looked absolutely perfect with our sweet boy. He's measuring 4 days ahead, so I am just so relieved to know that even though I'm not gaining, he is! His weight is estimated at 4 pds. 3 oz., so I was actually a little shocked! She said she could see some fat on his arms and some pudginess on his legs :) She even pointed out the little hair floating around! So fun! I've never gotten to see that before. His sweet little feet, which by the way, I think look just like Tyler's, already measure 6 1/2 cm. That's pretty big when you look at it on a ruler! Crazy!

Then she got to the cord....she said, "Nope, there's the cord and it's not around his neck." Praise the Lord! I know it's a small thing, but to just see it for myself and know that all my fears have been just that...fears! It was another "ah ha moment" in our journey. The Lord keeps reminding me all along the way and seemingly whispering, "See, you need to just trust me.....I really do love you and I really do desire GOOD things for your life.....I am FOR you, not against you."

I begin to understand the scripture of God simply saying, "If you will only have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can move mountains." My faith has been so small and actually many times expecting the worst in every situation. I am fully aware that the Lord will continue to allow things in my life, some pleasant and some hard, to sanctify me and to allow me to grow in a way that only those circumstances could. I do recognize that there are likely many hard things ahead, so I know the Lord is not done allowing trials in my life, but I cannot live my life expecting all outcomes of every situation to be tragic.

I see how much my fear and anxiety rob me of the joy of being here and the right now. When I'm worrying about the "could be's" and "might happens," I miss out on the sweetness of the moment and the enjoyment of His blessings. Today I am enjoying my sweet little family and the awe and wonder of another on the way. I am delighting in what God's done even in the face of our tragedy, and praising Him for being almost 32 weeks and carrying a healthy baby boy. Thank you Jesus, because you and I both know, I don't deserve one bit of it at all ;)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A little update....

I'm so sorry it's been a few weeks since my last post. We got busy all of a sudden with swim lessons, end of the year preschool, Kids Connection (for me), and a visit from Jerrod's Mom.

I just wanted to give a quick update on where we are and what's going on since a few things have changed in the last 2-3 weeks. I will post pictures of my belly, Coop's swim lessons and his last day of preschool (tomorrow), very soon. Thanks for your patience:)

When I went to labor and delivery about 4 weeks ago, it was quite a scare. My contractions were 2 to 3 minutes apart and still happening even with my medication. Because of all that, the doctor put me on bed rest. After two weeks of not really getting up to do much of anything, I went back to the doctor who took another look at everything and did another "FFN" test, which is when they swab to check and see if you are at risk for delivery in the following two weeks. All of the FFN tests that I have had have been negative. It has been described that "the power is in the negative." This means that if your FFN is negative, you have a 99% chance of NOT delivering for two weeks. I have had these repeated every two weeks and they have all come back negative every time. Praise the Lord!

Because of this, the doctor has allowed me to be on a more modified bed rest which means I can do most normal things, but try to stay off my feet if possible and lay down and take my meds if needed. I can definitely tell when it's time to come home and lay down! The contractions intensify and become very consistent, so I just don't want them to start changing my cervix.

My anxiety level has been pretty high throughout this pregnancy for obvious reasons, but in the last two weeks it has become almost unbearable. I'm having lots of fears of something being wrong or going wrong, and I hate living there. What I know in my head does not always transfer to my heart, and vise versa. It's crippling at times. I have no control over so many things and I feel like those are the things that are easier for me to let go of and allow the Lord to fill in the gaps. It's the things that I feel like I play a role in that are so hard. Do I go to the doctor or not? Am I overreacting or am I being discerning? Is the baby moving too much or too little? What about the cord wrapping around him? What about this or that or the other???
I have been praying a lot for discernment. That the Lord would make it evident when I need to act and that He would make it evident when I need to just be still and trust Him. I went into labor and delivery again early Sunday morning because I couldn't sleep and I felt like Sawyer was shivering or something. It freaked me out and after several hours, I finally gave in and went in the get monitored. Everything seems okay, at least that's what they told me, but it's so hard to just TRUST. I have always had issues with trusting people and ultimately the Lord, so I am learning a lot that I have to allow people to speak wisdom into my life, even medically speaking.

All this to say, I would appreciate prayers for my heart and for Sawyer's health. I go in for another ultrasound on Friday, so please pray that he is growing right on track, and as silly and specific as it sounds, that his cord would be healthy and not wrapping around him. Okay...that's a little update on the pregnancy, so I will fill you all in with more details later.