Taste and See that the Lord is Good

What a whirlwind month! I feel like we got home from Christmas and our feet hit the ground running. Jerrod's been out of town a few times with seminary and church events, so we are hoping for a slower February.

Our sweet Tyler's birthday is coming up on February 9th. Can you even begin to imagine celebrating your first birthday with Jesus? Such an amazing picture, however, selfishly I sure wish he were here to take a bite of his cake, play with his balloons, and open some fun presents. I find it hard to believe many days that his first birthday has already arrived. I dreaded so many firsts when he went to be with the Lord in June, and now here we are at his birthday.

In trying to figure out how to celebrate, we figured a wonderful trip to Disneyland would be just the right place. We are thrilled to take Cooper to his first Disneyland adventure and CAN NOT WAIT to see the look on his face. After all, how can you even describe a place like Disneyland in words? I will be sure to post lots of pictures!

We are planning to have a little simple birthday party with close friends, and then actually be in Disneyland on his birthday. I bought a few buttons with Tyler's picture on them that read "Happy 1st Birthday Tyler." We figured it will be a great way to remember him on his birthday as we trample through Toon Town.

To be honest, many days I still find myself in a little denial that Tyler's life here has ended. I find it excruciating to think that I will never hold him in my arms here on this earth ever again. Few mommies know the pain of losing a child and never really getting the chance to say goodbye. My life is forever changed. The things I once never thought about, are the things that I think about all the time. Will I ever be able to have another baby? Will something happen to someone else I love? How will I ever lay another baby in a crib? How will I ever pick up Tyler's diaper bag and use it again? What will we do with all of Tyler's things? I can't bear to get rid of anything, but I can't bear to use it again or dress another child in it either.

I am so thankful the Lord knows my heart. I hate that these are things I think about, but I often find my mind wandering there. The Lord has been more than faithful...MORE THAN FAITHFUL! So why do I doubt? Why do I find myself back in the same place so many times? What foolishness for me to ever dream that I was in control to begin with - that I could have changed things or that I can now hover over all the things I love in my life in hopes that I can protect them from "bad things" happening to them.

What a constant, every day, opening of my hands. Because you know what? The real truth is, I don't deserve any of it. In fact, God's Word tells me that I deserve death. But I am so thankful that God's love in Jesus surpasses that and that He has saved me from death. Because of Him, I have HOPE in having eternity with Jesus, and we have assurance that Tyler is with HIM too. Because of Him, I have HOPE that He will restore the years that the locusts have eaten, I have HOPE that He will make all things new, I have HOPE that He will not abandon me to the grave. What great promises, don't you think?

Because of HIM I have HOPE that He can perform miracles and that He can do immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine......

With an anxious and GRATEFUL heart, I would love to tell you all that we are expecting another baby Rumley due the beginning of August. Can you believe it? When I tell you the story in a later post, you might just have a heart attack ; )

Will you please pray for my anxious heart? I have an appointment tomorrow with the perinatologist at 11:00, so please pray for a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy. After so much loss, it's hard to not expect more bad news, but I am trying to take my thoughts captive.

All that aside, and the joy that it brings my heart to see the very work of God in action, I wanted to just say to my aching friends that desire so desperately to hold a baby in their arms, I know and understand your pain. After dealing with infertility for almost 7 years now, through two miscarriages and now the loss of our sweet Tyler, I really feel like I can understand your pain. I do not take lightly the amazing blessing that has been graciously bestowed on our family. We do not deserve it, but we are thankful. God has been good, even in our deepest despair.

Thank you for all your prayers. I feel like this miracle is the complete answer to the prayers of God's Holy people...you.

Love, JEN

" On the glorious splendor of your majesty, and on your wondrous works, I will meditate. They shall speak of the might of your awesome deeds, and I will declare your greatness. They shall pour forth the fame of your abundant goodness and shall sing aloud of your righteousness. " Psalm 145: 5-7