Breathe...

Time seems as if it's standing still these days. So many mixed emotions, many of which I am confident are yet to be discovered. We anxiously await holding Sawyer in our arms, which by the way, we had a "name crisis" this week, but that's a story for another time;)

It seems very difficult for me to wrap my arms around the idea of another baby in our home. Our baby.

It seems surreal to think of seeing, holding, smelling, kissing, rocking, nursing, and caring for another little life. A life that is just that, alive. I would be a fool to say that I am not scared out of my mind. Many times I feel as though I have to remind myself to breathe. It seems obvious to say, but truly, I find myself saying out loud, "BREATHE."

Confirmation came this last week in our counseling appointment (J and I have been going to counseling together for the last few weeks). Our precious counselor, Christine, was talking to me about how when the body is feeling anxiety and worry, we naturally hold our breath. I looked at her with amazement and said, "That's exactly what I've been doing!"

How can one prepare him or herself for complete life change? I often hear the question, "Are you so ready??" So much goes into clarifying that statement.

Am I ready to see Sawyer and hold him? Of course!

Am I ready to see his sweet little face, count his fingers and toes, and draw him near to me? Absolutely!

Am I ready to walk by faith that the Lord has complete control and sovereignty over his little life?? I want to be!

How can I ever be truly ready for what's ahead?? I think the advice of taking things a "day at a time" is very scripture based.

Matthew talks about not being anxious about tomorrow for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Previous to those verses found in Chapter 6, the Word talks about the birds of the air and the lilies of the field and how the Lord takes care of them. How much more is He concerned with me, His child?

The truth is, our lives are about to change forever. Again. If we could have seen into the future and seen Tyler's death before it happened, I feel confident that we would have never thought we would be able to get to the other side. Here we are, still here, still living, missing him desperately, but still able to see God in the midst of our circumstances. Just as He has proven faithful to see us through the loss of one of our children, I have to remain confident that He will be faithful to see us through the birth and life of another. He's God. He does not change like the shifting shadows. His love and faithfulness and sovereignty and power are not dependent upon our circumstances. They are always present. They are constants.

We are praying for a peace that transcends all understanding. Anxiety is an ever present element in our lives that we constantly take to the feet of Jesus, but never the less, it perks it's ugly head often.

Lord, give us faith and grant us joy, so that we may soak in every moment these last two weeks. We desire to walk this road with grace, and it is only by your strength that it could ever be done.

Please pray for a safe and healthy delivery. The Lord knows just the right time, so we are trusting when that is. My next appointment is on Tuesday, so each appointment is a possible delivery day:) We do know that Sawyer will be here by August 2nd at the latest. Thank you for continuing on our little journey with us and we can't wait to introduce you to our precious 3rd SON!

Jen

Sawyer Jace, you are already a miracle, created and fashioned together by our Creator. We can't wait to bring you home and love you all the days of your life. You are precious and have already begun healing our hearts in a very real way. We are so ready to meet you!

Mommy