I feel like my heart and mind are so full right now. So many times in the last few weeks I have had many thoughts that I've said to myself, "I should blog about that..." And here we are, with so many of those thoughts that have come and gone and unfortunately I have not written any of them down;) Oh well, thankfully the Lord knows my heart and each and every feeling I feel and thought I have.
Many times I see my life as a trek. The journey of the sights we see, both beautiful, inspiring, and breathtaking, and at times, awful, dark, scary, and unknown. I've been hiking, taken enough backpacking trips, and climbed enough mountains that those two truths are incredibly evident both in reality and metaphorically in my own life. Here lately I feel like I have gone through probably one of the deepest valleys I've been through in a while. Thankfully I feel myself coming out the other side, but when you are in the midst of darkness and you are not able to see much around you for the truth that it is, it is a very lonely and scary place.
For the first time in a long time, I was dealing with insecurities in every area of my life. I was insecure about my marriage, insecure with my friendships, insecure about my ability to keep my home together and running smoothly, insecure about my role as a mom to my boys, insecure about the safety and well being of my 2 1/2 month old, and overall just insecure with myself, the way I look, who I am, and where I fit.
Insecurity is crippling. It takes you to very dark places. I told a few friends that I opened up to that I felt like Satan had a bag of lies he was trying to sell me and I was buying up everything he was offering. I was at a place of feeling very worthless and a lot of despair. I'm pretty sure hormones contributed to all the yuckiness, but non the less, Satan and my sin were both doing a pretty good job of discouraging me and convincing me that maybe even the Lord might not even be approving of me as a person.
As Sawyer is drawing closer and closer to the age Tyler was when we lost him, I feel my anxieties raising and a little sense of panic. A couple of nights ago when I got up to feed Sawyer at that early morning feeding, I began to pray and seek the Lord. I began praying for my boys, their futures, for Jerrod, his ministry, and quite honestly for the Lord to intervene where my faith is weak in regards to my children's safety. I began praying for every breath that Sawyer takes and that the Lord would give me lots of years with him. I feel like in my mind I have already convinced myself that Sawyer too with only be with us a little while longer.
I began thinking about how desperately I want to watch my boys grow up and enjoy them for the rest of my life. I began praying for them both to fall madly in love with Jesus, to rely on Him for even the smallest details in their lives and for Him alone to be Lord of their lives. I felt like as I was praying, I realized with ever present clarity that THAT is the most important thing. For my children to come to know the Lord and love HIM with all their hearts. For the first time, I saw the simple truth that the most important thing is not whether or not my children live or die. The most important thing is that they KNOW HIM. What a perspective change and a great reminder. And how freeing, to see things with an eternal lens and not a fleeting, quickly leaving, momentary breath.
We are very much living in a place right now where we are being called to trust the Lord. Our lives are very full, busy, and sometimes a little crazy ;) You can pray that we would find time for true rest in the midst of a newborn, continuing to grieve the loss of Tyler, and ministry, with all the things involved in launching a church campus. You can pray for the Lord's provision in some of the burdens we've been carrying to be lifted, both tangible and intangible. And lastly, you can pray for our hearts that we would remember to keep the most important things the priority. Thank you for walking this leg of the trek with us, mountains and valleys alike ;)
The back....
I love all the colors and how the turquoise, orange and brown match his room. I also love the sweet cross she included on there for Tyler. He will always be Cooper's little brother and Sawyer's big brother ;)
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