Where I am weak, He is strong

As the days and weeks keep passing, I find myself looking at my blog and feeling very overwhelmed. So many moments in my day, I feel like the Lord reveals parts of Himself, truths that can only come from Him, glimpses of His faithfulness and goodness, and reminders of the abundant blessings He's lavished in our lives. Other moments, He's faithful to reveal specks (or lets be honest, sometimes logs) in my eye, showing me areas where I fall short, don't measure up and how desperately I need His grace.

I feel as though those moments are so powerful, and in the moment I wish I had the time to sit down in the moment and write all that He is doing in my heart, but unfortunately in the hustle and bustle of life, the moments are fleeting. So, here I am, doing my best to share a few nuggets of what the Lord's been doing in me.

The last few weeks have been rough. I'm pretty sure I went through (and may still be going through) a little depression. To compound that, or maybe what's causing it to be worse, is that we have a 6 month old that is not sleeping through the night yet. I have been beating myself up, feeling like I have been doing all the right things without any of the reward. Cooper slept through the night at 8 weeks, so I question what in the world I'm doing wrong ;) The past week or two has been much better, as I have been the schedule nazi, trying to work on consistency and it has helped tremendously.

To make matters worse, my anxiety has been pretty much on a level 10. For so long, 6 months has been my goal, my end point, my light at the end of the tunnel. I was so confident that once Sawyer was almost 6 months, that I would breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that the statistics were in our favor in relation to SIDS. After all, we had surpassed 4 1/2 months, praise the LORD! Unfortunately, as 6 months grows closer, I feel my anxiety raising again. In many ways I'm even ashamed to tell you how often I check the video monitor. You might equate it to some peoples' obsession with Facebook ;) Seriously, I feel like I'm glued to the thing!

This past week, we hit a turning point. Sawyer started sleeping so much better during his naps and at night, but with that came rolling over onto his tummy. Yep. You guessed it. That's exactly how he's determined to sleep. No matter how many times we would go in to reposition him, roll him over, and put the passy in, he's determined to be on his tummy. Not only that, but unwilling to have his face COMPLETELY turned to the side, but rather smooshed a little bit to the mattress. Be still my anxious heart! I wake up in a widespread panic multiple times a night to check on him, fearing the worst. I prepare myself almost each time I enter his room for fear of what I might find. After all, the Lord does not promise tomorrow, and just because He took Tyler, doesn't mean He couldn't or wouldn't take Sawyer too.

Needless to say, I'm exhausted. It feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and in many ways I feel like I've bought into the lie that it is up to me to keep Sawyer alive. Horrible and inaccurate, but a very real reality of where God is delivering me from. I love my sweet friends and especially my hubby too, so graciously and lovingly speaking truth into my life. The truth is, as one friend put it, I'm either going to trust and believe He is sovereign or I'm not. Yikes! Am I really believing He is sovereign in my life? I certainly am not living like I believe that. I take hold of the reigns way too often and the second I try to let go and give God permission to take hold of EVERY area of my life, I find myself right back where I started...yanking the reigns back, fooling myself into believing that I have everything more under control than the Almighty God, Creator of Heaven and earth. It sounds so incredibly dumb when you really stop and think about it, to think that I might have it more figured out or have better ideas of how my life should run than He does. So often I fail to invite God into the process, into the corners of my life, and allow Him to search my anxious thoughts (which are many;). I'm missing out on so much depth in my relationship with Jesus, because I'm so focused on all the immediate and pressing issues in my life.

What's more, is that if He is who He says He is, He loves my precious babies more than I could ever dream of loving them. He desires good for my life. Life is not always good, but HE is. Many days, trusting Him is a choice. A decision. It's not something I always feel, but rather a conscious choosing that His way includes the big picture, something that my near sightedness is blinded to. I'm so grateful for a Savior that sees my inadequacies, my human faults, and my inability to trust Him fully, and still His grace abounds all the more in the areas where I am weak. For where I am weak (really weak!), He is strong. A simple song, a simple truth, yet a profound statement that we make so complicated.