I'm sure there are many an individual who thinks we should be "over" Tyler's death and that our lives should have moved on already. And I'm sure there are maybe even more people who think that since Sawyer's arrival, our lives are all better.....
That somehow by one's presence, we no longer grieve another's absence.
When you experience trauma in your life - true, expected, life-altering, tragedy - it's amazing the things that can trigger a response at a moment's notice. It takes on the form of post traumatic stress and can be brought on by a number of things....places, smells, sights, familiar experiences, seasons, or times of the day or year. In our specific case, summer time (June), the day lilies, swimming with the boys, walking by Tyler's old room, 2:00 p.m., sirens of any sort, seeing someone's baby swaddled too tight or covered by a blanket, holding a four month old, places we took Tyler (to the coast or the mountains), seeing a two year old (or however old Tyler would be at the moment), are just a few things that can promote a trigger. For me, sometimes when I experience these moments, my chest tightens, it's hard to breath, and I feel suffocated. Pretty much an anxiety attack.
With Tyler's glory day approaching, I feel like I am living in a series of events that are causing me to revert back to so many similar emotions. It's incredibly hard to explain, and many times I have a hard time recognizing it, like on Monday when I felt like no matter how many deep breaths I took, how many times I tried to talk to myself about how things are okay, the boys are fine, etc., I still felt short of breath.
Today was another day with those de ja vous moments. We went swimming, and I about had a heart attack placing Sawyer in Tyler's swim floaty. I flashed back and was immediately back in June 2009. All that ran through my head was "two days." Two days till Tyler passed away after being here, now I'm placing Sawyer in here. My anxiety had nothing to do with fear of something happening to Sawyer, but rather just an erie feeling. A post traumatic stress flashback.
We are approaching Tyler's glory day in a few short days, four days after my birthday (yet another trigger), and it feels surreal to be coming up on 2 years. How has it been that long? It grieves my heart to think people feel like we should "get over" Tyler's absence on this earth. The truth is, we will never get over his death. We will never stop missing him or wishing we could hold him one last time. But one thing I do feel confident of is this - that with the hope we have in Christ, we will get through it, not over it. And that my friends, is the very HOPE we can all experience if we will surrender everything over to Him, trusting Him with every detail, even things as precious as our children.
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What a true post, you will NEVER get over it and even getting through it sometimes sounds like too much! I have never been in your shoes or in your walk of grief but with the loss of my parents there can still be SO many triggers. Especially the yearly reminders that can be so tough to even breath through at times. For my grief walk some of the "seconds" such as birthdays, certain dates, or reminders were even tougher because a lot of the shock or numbness had worn off and I had to feel it even more. Just typing this comment gives me that huge lump in my throat!! A loss like this will NEVER go away nor should you be expected to "get over it." I've decided it will not be the same or go away until I get to Heaven... I follow your blog and pray for you often and admire your strength and courage just to move forward at all. Grief is so hard and is never easy but our HOPE and faith is what help me to get through it as well. Didn't mean to ramble just read some familiar words/thoughts! Elizabeth
ReplyDeletedriving down temperance just today, i was thinking of that drive to the hospital... feels like it was so recent. i can't believe it's been almost 2 years.
ReplyDeletehow could you ever get over a loss like that? don't allow the ignorance of others to affect how you grieve your sweet tyler. no one can possibly understand what you are feeling until, sadly, they have experienced it themselves.
know that so many people still think of you and tyler on a daily basis. he is not forgotten, and his little life effects us to this day.
i love you, my friend. i'm so blessed to grow in my walk with jesus because of the faith you exhibit in yours. thank you for your transparency as you walk this journey.
Beautifully written, Jen. Thank you for sharing your heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I lost a baby about this time last year and cried about it last night. I have a beautiful new baby now but that does not change the sadness at the loss. My father unexpectedly died on Christmas morning almost ten years ago and I still have those same moments that you speak of. I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that there are people that make you feel like you should be "over" this. How heart-breaking! I pray that on your hard days/your trigger days, that God will surround you with people who will just love you! I will be praying for you and your family as this Glory Day approaches. I have been doing Beth Moore's scripture memory "challenge" this year and one of my verses came to mind as I was reading this.
ReplyDeleteRomans 12:11-13 "Never be lacking in zeal, but keep the spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord's people who are need. Practice hospitality."
As I was reading your post, this passage came to mind at how you and Jerrod are still serving the Lord with fervor! And, sharing with His people! Praise the Lord! I'm so thankful that through this tragedy, you are choosing to glorify Him...pointing others to Christ. I remember when I first started memorizing this verse, I was struck by the "joyful in hope". I really thought about it and looked up definitions...and wrote this: "joyful in hope = full of joy in the things that are desired (the 2nd coming! Being in the presence of Christ!!!)". That's the part that made me think of you the most. Tyler was and still is your baby! Very few people understand or can grasp what you have been through. I am so thankful that God provides HOPE! You can be joyful knowing that the day you are longing for, to see your sweet baby boy, WILL HAPPEN! Its a great joy to be a believer and know we can trust our heavenly Father 100% in what He promises. The rest of that passage goes on to say that we need to be patient in affliction....which can be so hard b/c there are days that are just miserable. When you have a moment or a day that triggers the sadness and takes you back to that exact moment, be patient with yourself! Grieve what you've lost. Be thankful for the sweet moments you had with Tyler...and "be faithful in prayer".
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I have the privilege of mentoring college students and I try to get them to understand that its important to share our trials and weaknesses b/c it shows God's strength. Trials/weaknesses also give us the opportunity for God to mold us to be more like Christ. If we go through trials and are no more like Christ at the end, we went through them for nothing. Thank you for sharing your walk with us.
Again, praying for your family!
How can anyone ever know unless they've walked in your shoes. I suffer from anixety attacks and I know how aweful they can be. Mine are from a different reason but aweful just the same.
ReplyDeletePraying for you as these dates and painful reminders happen. But all those things can never erase all your wonderful memories and those to come in Glory !
I have walked in your shoes, and now, even 30 years later, the triggers still happen. We are never, ever, "over it." With God's help, we continue to walk through it. You are loved and thought of often, and prayed for, always, Jen. I love and am always gratified by the grace with which you carry through, shining with His love. I love to think of my four waiting for me when I arrive in heaven. I know Tyler is there, too. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post Jen. Our family will be praying for you as Tyler's glory day is approaching. Thank you for being real and honest about the journey the Lord is taking you on. It is raw and painful and a true picture of the gospel working in your lives. Praise God for your faithfulness to Him during these times- He is glorified through your sorrow. I look forward to knowing your family better and hearing more about your sweet second son. He truly has touched many many lives...
ReplyDeleteI lost my son 10 months ago, I'm pregnant again, but everyone thinks I should be better by now... including my mother in law who I live with and seems to trigger me on purpose. I wish no one had to go through any of this. I'm just starting to talk to God again... I'm so scared for November and the anniversary of the day I lost him. ((HUGS))
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