If only we all wore signs....

Well, I have many thoughts throughout each day. Some are silly, some are deep, some are far-fetched and some are enlightening. The Holy Spirit is always so faithful to show me exactly what I need to hear in the moment.

As many of you know, I took Cooper to preschool last week for the first time. He's done great and adjusted so well. The biggest thing we're working on is self-control. Definitely a fruit of the spirit that I need help on too;) I found myself walking him in last week, seeing so many moms (and a few dads), many of them dressed and showered with make-up on. Many of them had smaller children in strollers and bjorns, some with big bellies.

I have to admit that I found myself being so judgmental, and not only that, but feeling sorry for myself. I had so many thoughts running through my head...."If only they knew what happened to me..." "If only they had ANYTHING hard in their lives....." "Their lives look so perfect with their children spaced two years apart, the SUV, the designer clothes, everything so nicely put together....." "If only they knew what it meant to grieve......" "Do they even know how incredibly blessed they are?" "Do they take everything they have for granted?"

I also found myself wanting to just shout all those things. So much so, that I even thought to myself, if only I had a sign. If only I had a sign around my neck that said across my chest....I LOST MY CHILD. Maybe then their eyes would be open, maybe then they would see that no, I didn't plan to come to preschool with my 3-year-old with empty arms and an empty womb.

I found myself thinking on all these things, when the Holy Spirit ever so gently crept in and whispered...."What if everyone else had on signs too?" "What would their's say?"

Would it say, "My husband cheated on me...", or "My mom has cancer....", or "I'm struggling with infertility and no one knows....", or "I have an eating disorder", or " My husband lost his job...." or even "I lost a child, too....".

I saw with clarity that if we were to all wear signs, what would they say? I don't think I am so naive to think that I am the only one that's hurting, but when everyone looks so put together on the outside, it can often feel like that. What's worse is that I can struggle, too, with trying to put on the happy face on the outside when my world is crumbling on the inside. After all, I am a pastor's wife. I am suppose to have it together, right? I often feel like I fall victim to this silly expectation or lie that I am suppose to handle all that's going on inside of me "the right way." What does that even mean? The right way? I am learning through this that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It just is. I am learning that it's okay to have a sad face on when I'm having a hard day, but it's also okay to laugh and have fun and that that doesn't mean that I don't miss Tyler.

I just wanted to share a little bit and encourage you to look past people's smiling faces. Ask yourself the question next time..."What does their sign say?"