You are For Me

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may

receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

I am in desperate need today. In desperate need of Him. In desperate need for Him to fill me, extend grace and to love me. It's been a rough few days. Very emotional. I'm not sure why I have days or moments that are so hard, they just are. Usually something small triggers it and sometimes it's things that ordinarily wouldn't be a big deal.

I just feel so weak right now. My heart aches, I am so empty. Tears have flown much more easily the last couple of days and I feel like my soul is in such a reflective place right now. I want so badly to be able to approach the throne with confidence, but I find myself dealing with so much guilt. I want to blame Tyler's death on something and the easiest thing is to blame it on myself.

I spent some good time with a sweet friend last night that helped me to sift through my many emotions and to figure out why I'm in the pit I'm in. I am having such a hard time experiencing the Lord's grace and most of all His love. I know what His Word says and I know what is true, but I am searching and wanting to see His face so badly. I know that when I call to Him, He is right there, but why does He often feel so far away?

I am struggling with blaming myself for Tyler's death. If only I hadn't put the blanket in his bed, if only I would have been reading my Bible more, if only I had been a better mom, if only I had prayed more. Bear with me, because I know that these things are untrue and not according to what scripture says, but it's where I am. In fact, to believe those things I know takes His sovereignty away from Him. I am struggling with faith being enough and that it's not by the works I do or don't do. He doesn't love me less or more based on those things, but I find myself in that trap so often.

I am trying to find understanding in why this has all happened. I know that I may never know the full scheme of what God is doing, but I so badly want to sit down with Him and have Him explain it all to me. Wouldn't that be nice? I know that it wouldn't be faith if I could see clearly. Instead I am forced to walk a road so blindly, and all I know is that He's there. Not because I always feel Him, but because He said so. He promised He would never leave me, so I have a choice to either trust Him or not. I'm trying to choose to trust Him because I can't do this on my own. I try and I fail. I am so empty. In need of Him. Please pray for His love to be so evident. Please pray for my deep ache. I long for it to all go away, but this is my life now.

I have to embrace where I am and I don't want to. I think the gravity of what's happened is starting to set in and I just don't have have anything to give. I drive past where Tyler is buried and I so badly want to go in and just sit. The day we buried him, I said I didn't want to go back until his headstone was there. We are still waiting to get all the details squared away. I feel like such a horrible mom. I feel guilty that I do not have that taken care of yet, I feel guilty that I haven't been to his grave, I feel guilty that he doesn't have flowers sitting there to decorate it. I think about how other moms probably go out there and see Tyler's empty vase and simple marker and say, "That poor baby...his mommy must not love him."

I know it all sounds stupid, but I am just struggling this week to take my thoughts captive. A song that's been one that I've listened to over and over again and claim, is a song by Kari Jobe. I've wanted to add it to my playlist, but it's not on there. Here are the words:

You are For Me

So faithful, so constant

So loving and so true, so powerful in all you do

You fill me, You see me

You know my every move

You love for me to sing to you

CHORUS

I know that you are for me, I know that you are for me

I know that you will never, forsake me in my weakness

I know that you have come now

Even if to write upon my heart

To remind me who you are

So patient, so gracious

So merciful and true, so wonderul in all you do

You fill me, You see me

You know my every move You love for me to sing to you