My goodness it's been a long time! I feel like the last month has flown by and the thought of it being December already is hard to grasp. My heart is full of so many emotions and feelings and I quite honestly feel very overwhelmed to try and capture the last month in one post.
The last few days have been hard to put into words. Starting yesterday, we entered into the two week countdown of Sawyer being 4 1/2 months. The exact age Tyler was when we lost him. There are so many similarities, it uncanny. Sawyer has been battling a cough and cold, which has left us worried, anxious, and with little sleep. When I took him in to the doctor, he weighed the exact same as what Tyler did at his 4 month check up. Sawyer is starting to feel the same in my arms, look the same in stature, same chubby little legs, same kissable cheeks.
I feel a little bit like I am suffering some post traumatic stress as I see and hold Sawyer. Not to be morbid or anything, but I have flash backs of finding Tyler and what he looked like and I imagine Sawyer looking like that. I find myself crying out to the Lord to please spare Sawyer's life. I find myself praying as I enter to get him up from a nap, begging the Lord to allow me to find Sawyer alive. I find myself laying awake in bed at night, listening to make sure I hear him breathing and stirring.
I know that the Lord does not want me to live in fear, and He tells me in scripture to not be anxious, but quite honestly I find myself struggling with both of those realities. I know that the Lord is faithful, but I also know that while that is true, He does not promise that things will be easy and He does not promise that I am exempt from more trials. He does not promise a long life to either of my earthly children or even my husband. A very scary truth in some senses, but also confirmation too, that He is God and He will do as He seems fit.
He will bring Himself GLORY and SANCTIFY me in the process.
The truth is, though, to become more like Jesus, our flesh must be stripped away. Don't know about you, but that sounds extremely painful.
Dying to self, taking off the old self and putting on Christ. Every day. Every moment. Every second.
I sure am glad it's not up to me on my own strength, because I will choose to give in to my own desires, fears, anxieties, struggles, and sin every time without HIM.
I am definitely at a cross roads of choosing to trust Him and believe that GOD is who He says He is. I am trembling at the thought of walking through the next two weeks. I want to just freeze time and never take a step forward, thinking that in some way, just maybe that will allow me more time with my sweet baby boy. But the Lord has asked me and called me to walk not be sight, but by FAITH. He has asked me to trust Him regardless of my circumstances or possible outcomes. He has asked me to relinquish my rights and the control that I fool myself into believing that I have.
I feel naked before Him, knowing that He is all that I have that is secure and guaranteed. And that is exactly where He wants me. Just me as I am, stripped of everything. Raw, unpolished, unimpressive. For that is where He can do the most work, and there, in that seemingly despairing place, is where HIS power is made perfect in my weakness.
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