The last few days have been hard to put into words. Starting yesterday, we entered into the two week countdown of Sawyer being 4 1/2 months. The exact age Tyler was when we lost him. There are so many similarities, it uncanny. Sawyer has been battling a cough and cold, which has left us worried, anxious, and with little sleep. When I took him in to the doctor, he weighed the exact same as what Tyler did at his 4 month check up. Sawyer is starting to feel the same in my arms, look the same in stature, same chubby little legs, same kissable cheeks.
I feel a little bit like I am suffering some post traumatic stress as I see and hold Sawyer. Not to be morbid or anything, but I have flash backs of finding Tyler and what he looked like and I imagine Sawyer looking like that. I find myself crying out to the Lord to please spare Sawyer's life. I find myself praying as I enter to get him up from a nap, begging the Lord to allow me to find Sawyer alive. I find myself laying awake in bed at night, listening to make sure I hear him breathing and stirring.
I know that the Lord does not want me to live in fear, and He tells me in scripture to not be anxious, but quite honestly I find myself struggling with both of those realities. I know that the Lord is faithful, but I also know that while that is true, He does not promise that things will be easy and He does not promise that I am exempt from more trials. He does not promise a long life to either of my earthly children or even my husband. A very scary truth in some senses, but also confirmation too, that He is God and He will do as He seems fit.
He will bring Himself GLORY and SANCTIFY me in the process.
The truth is, though, to become more like Jesus, our flesh must be stripped away. Don't know about you, but that sounds extremely painful.
Dying to self, taking off the old self and putting on Christ. Every day. Every moment. Every second.
I sure am glad it's not up to me on my own strength, because I will choose to give in to my own desires, fears, anxieties, struggles, and sin every time without HIM.
I am definitely at a cross roads of choosing to trust Him and believe that GOD is who He says He is. I am trembling at the thought of walking through the next two weeks. I want to just freeze time and never take a step forward, thinking that in some way, just maybe that will allow me more time with my sweet baby boy. But the Lord has asked me and called me to walk not be sight, but by FAITH. He has asked me to trust Him regardless of my circumstances or possible outcomes. He has asked me to relinquish my rights and the control that I fool myself into believing that I have.
I feel naked before Him, knowing that He is all that I have that is secure and guaranteed. And that is exactly where He wants me. Just me as I am, stripped of everything. Raw, unpolished, unimpressive. For that is where He can do the most work, and there, in that seemingly despairing place, is where HIS power is made perfect in my weakness.
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Jen, I can't imagine what you are going through. It's tough what our minds put us through. I pray that you have some peace as you get through this time period. thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about you and praying for you lately. Knowing that Sawyer is getting closer to the age that Tyler was when he went to be with Jesus. I will keep praying for you, your heart and for peace.
ReplyDeleteRebecca Freshwater
Jen, again thank you for such an honest and real post. I have not suffered a loss like you have, but I find myself dealing with some of the same fears and emotions. Too many nights have found me sobbing in bed, begging God to please give my son and husband a long life. I am so afraid of losing them. I really appreciate you sharing your struggles and the way you depend on God to get you through them. It gives me strength to read your blog, as well as a greater desire to draw close to God. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteJen, I don't know how I even found your blog initially, but I am amazed how strong you are to share your thoughts and feelings. My best friend just lost her six year old daughter to complications of aplastic anemia. She is struggling with many feelings, but mostly where God is in all of it. Her faith has been strong and there through it all, but you are truly an example of using situations (however tragic they are and especially the loss of a child) to glorify God and strengthen our resolve to walk by faith and not sight. Your posts touch my heart. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYour feelings seem perfectly normal to me. Who would not feel just like you in your shoes.
ReplyDeleteI don't have children but also fear losing my husband. I didn't get married until I was 45 so we are an "older" couple. I pray, Lord, please give us long life. I think we all feel this way with those we love. I am going to believe and pray for you that on January 1st 2011 this will all be behind you and the JOY and freedom you will feel will RING IN THE NEW YEAR.
Hi Jen! We don't know each other, but I went to high school with Jerrod. I just wanted you to know that I love reading your blog! Whenever you share how you are growing spiritually, I completely walk away encouraged and refreshed! Thank you for sharing your heart! I appreciate it! So thankful to have a blog to come to that shares my faith and encourages my walk with the Lord! Praying for you and Jerrod in this season of life!
ReplyDeleteHi Jen- I came across your blog a while back and have been following you ever since. You have an indescribable spirit that just amazes me. I will hold you up in prayer, as I have been over the last year, in hopes that you will find peace and joy during this time of pain for you. Your babies are all beautiful.
ReplyDeleteJen Fiedler