135 Days + 1

The Lord gave us 135 days with Tyler. Today He gave us 136 with Sawyer. Another day, another gift.

In the days following Tyler's death, we were able to get some molds of his hands and feet. One of the things I treasure most.

Here are some special snap shots of Sawyer's hands and feet in Tyler's...

" ....All the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139:16

3 months, 4 months, Oh my!

A gallery of pictures today....

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your GOD. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

Help me out here...

I just wanted to take a moment and ask for some feedback. I would love to know what it is that you enjoy reading about or seeing on the blog. I hesitate to get on any sort of soapbox, ranting on and on about subjects like marriage or parenting, but I also am not sure how many people enjoy seeing pictures of the boys, places we go, things going on in our crazy little world, etc.

I have mostly used the blog to allow you to see a window into our world, the grief process of losing Tyler, how the Lord has used it and what He is stirring in our hearts. Of course, there is always a few pictures of my sweeties to go along with that too;)

If you would, take a moment to leave a comment, or you can even email me if you like. I have some thoughts brewing and would love a little help from my blog friends:)

Thanks,

Jen

Two Week Countdown

My goodness it's been a long time! I feel like the last month has flown by and the thought of it being December already is hard to grasp. My heart is full of so many emotions and feelings and I quite honestly feel very overwhelmed to try and capture the last month in one post.

The last few days have been hard to put into words. Starting yesterday, we entered into the two week countdown of Sawyer being 4 1/2 months. The exact age Tyler was when we lost him. There are so many similarities, it uncanny. Sawyer has been battling a cough and cold, which has left us worried, anxious, and with little sleep. When I took him in to the doctor, he weighed the exact same as what Tyler did at his 4 month check up. Sawyer is starting to feel the same in my arms, look the same in stature, same chubby little legs, same kissable cheeks.

I feel a little bit like I am suffering some post traumatic stress as I see and hold Sawyer. Not to be morbid or anything, but I have flash backs of finding Tyler and what he looked like and I imagine Sawyer looking like that. I find myself crying out to the Lord to please spare Sawyer's life. I find myself praying as I enter to get him up from a nap, begging the Lord to allow me to find Sawyer alive. I find myself laying awake in bed at night, listening to make sure I hear him breathing and stirring.

I know that the Lord does not want me to live in fear, and He tells me in scripture to not be anxious, but quite honestly I find myself struggling with both of those realities. I know that the Lord is faithful, but I also know that while that is true, He does not promise that things will be easy and He does not promise that I am exempt from more trials. He does not promise a long life to either of my earthly children or even my husband. A very scary truth in some senses, but also confirmation too, that He is God and He will do as He seems fit.

He will bring Himself GLORY and SANCTIFY me in the process.

The truth is, though, to become more like Jesus, our flesh must be stripped away. Don't know about you, but that sounds extremely painful.

Dying to self, taking off the old self and putting on Christ. Every day. Every moment. Every second.

I sure am glad it's not up to me on my own strength, because I will choose to give in to my own desires, fears, anxieties, struggles, and sin every time without HIM.

I am definitely at a cross roads of choosing to trust Him and believe that GOD is who He says He is. I am trembling at the thought of walking through the next two weeks. I want to just freeze time and never take a step forward, thinking that in some way, just maybe that will allow me more time with my sweet baby boy. But the Lord has asked me and called me to walk not be sight, but by FAITH. He has asked me to trust Him regardless of my circumstances or possible outcomes. He has asked me to relinquish my rights and the control that I fool myself into believing that I have.

I feel naked before Him, knowing that He is all that I have that is secure and guaranteed. And that is exactly where He wants me. Just me as I am, stripped of everything. Raw, unpolished, unimpressive. For that is where He can do the most work, and there, in that seemingly despairing place, is where HIS power is made perfect in my weakness.

Sawyer's Birth Announcement

I just wanted to share Sawyer's birth announcement ;) My sweet friend, Cori, did an amazing job as always! I so wish we could have sent this to every single person we know, but it just wasn't possible. So...you get to enjoy it here:)

The front....

The back....
I love all the colors and how the turquoise, orange and brown match his room. I also love the sweet cross she included on there for Tyler. He will always be Cooper's little brother and Sawyer's big brother ;)

My heart is heavy today for my best friend since 2nd grade, Mitzi. She lost her sweet baby at 20 weeks and found out today as they were headed in to find out the gender. It sure does make Heaven sweeter and make me long even more for a day when we will be reunited with our precious babies and be able to hold them in completeness. I love you dear friend and I'm so sorry that your heart is aching. Can't wait to hug your neck in a week. Love you, love you, love you. Tyler has yet another little friend to play with;)

The Most Important Thing

I feel like my heart and mind are so full right now. So many times in the last few weeks I have had many thoughts that I've said to myself, "I should blog about that..." And here we are, with so many of those thoughts that have come and gone and unfortunately I have not written any of them down;) Oh well, thankfully the Lord knows my heart and each and every feeling I feel and thought I have.

Many times I see my life as a trek. The journey of the sights we see, both beautiful, inspiring, and breathtaking, and at times, awful, dark, scary, and unknown. I've been hiking, taken enough backpacking trips, and climbed enough mountains that those two truths are incredibly evident both in reality and metaphorically in my own life. Here lately I feel like I have gone through probably one of the deepest valleys I've been through in a while. Thankfully I feel myself coming out the other side, but when you are in the midst of darkness and you are not able to see much around you for the truth that it is, it is a very lonely and scary place.

For the first time in a long time, I was dealing with insecurities in every area of my life. I was insecure about my marriage, insecure with my friendships, insecure about my ability to keep my home together and running smoothly, insecure about my role as a mom to my boys, insecure about the safety and well being of my 2 1/2 month old, and overall just insecure with myself, the way I look, who I am, and where I fit.

Insecurity is crippling. It takes you to very dark places. I told a few friends that I opened up to that I felt like Satan had a bag of lies he was trying to sell me and I was buying up everything he was offering. I was at a place of feeling very worthless and a lot of despair. I'm pretty sure hormones contributed to all the yuckiness, but non the less, Satan and my sin were both doing a pretty good job of discouraging me and convincing me that maybe even the Lord might not even be approving of me as a person.

As Sawyer is drawing closer and closer to the age Tyler was when we lost him, I feel my anxieties raising and a little sense of panic. A couple of nights ago when I got up to feed Sawyer at that early morning feeding, I began to pray and seek the Lord. I began praying for my boys, their futures, for Jerrod, his ministry, and quite honestly for the Lord to intervene where my faith is weak in regards to my children's safety. I began praying for every breath that Sawyer takes and that the Lord would give me lots of years with him. I feel like in my mind I have already convinced myself that Sawyer too with only be with us a little while longer.

I began thinking about how desperately I want to watch my boys grow up and enjoy them for the rest of my life. I began praying for them both to fall madly in love with Jesus, to rely on Him for even the smallest details in their lives and for Him alone to be Lord of their lives. I felt like as I was praying, I realized with ever present clarity that THAT is the most important thing. For my children to come to know the Lord and love HIM with all their hearts. For the first time, I saw the simple truth that the most important thing is not whether or not my children live or die. The most important thing is that they KNOW HIM. What a perspective change and a great reminder. And how freeing, to see things with an eternal lens and not a fleeting, quickly leaving, momentary breath.

We are very much living in a place right now where we are being called to trust the Lord. Our lives are very full, busy, and sometimes a little crazy ;) You can pray that we would find time for true rest in the midst of a newborn, continuing to grieve the loss of Tyler, and ministry, with all the things involved in launching a church campus. You can pray for the Lord's provision in some of the burdens we've been carrying to be lifted, both tangible and intangible. And lastly, you can pray for our hearts that we would remember to keep the most important things the priority. Thank you for walking this leg of the trek with us, mountains and valleys alike ;)

Somebody's Two Month Old...

Our sweet little Sawyer is two months old! We went for his check up today and he weighs 11 pounds, 7 oz. He's getting so big and we are loving every minute with him. He got his shots today, so he's been a sad little boy this afternoon:( Coop was such a great big brother and helper as he worried about his baby brother.

Sawyer is really starting to "talk" to us and give us lots of sweet smiles. Cooper had Dads and Donuts this week where Daddy got to come have a special morning with him at preschool.

We have been busy with the start of the new Clovis Campus, and Jerrod has been working so hard to get things ready for the launch. I am so proud of him and the amazing man and leader he is. I am so blessed to be married to him:) It's easy to follow when you're married to such a servant leader.

I look forward to giving a more personal heart update in the days to come, but I just wanted to share a few pictures of my precious boys. Enjoy the two videos at the bottom;) *** Try hitting the "full screen" button to see Cooper dancing a little better:)

I LOVE my baths!

Somebody loves his little bro:)

Sweet happy boy

It's that time again...

It's officially soccer season for our little soccer dude! What a difference a year makes! Cooper is loving playing soccer again this year and lots of his little friends are playing with him;) We are three weeks in, and I must say, there are a lot less tears this year and so many of the kiddos are really getting the concepts.

Here are a few fun shots from the first game...

Oh the Fog!

Why is it with a newborn comes this fog that you enter and feel like you'll never return to normal? Anyone relate? I guess it must be the lack of sleep (mostly the lack of sleep), the dietary restrictions, the constant need that someone demands of you 24/7, the additional children living in your home, trying to figure out where your body went in a matter of 9 months (and how in the world to get it back), trying to plan out what to make for dinner that doesn't require any cooking or prep;), how to keep a house in order to give your family the sanity and order that it needs, the laundry...OH the laundry...

YOU know, all those things that make being a Mommy so much fun and so challenging all at the same time.

Notice that all the things I mentioned above are things that pertain only to my immediate household. What is not mentioned there are all the other things that I love, adore, and want to maintain....My precious friendships, being a good daughter and friend, spending time in the WORD, staying healthy and fit. I so struggle with trying to have balance in all the areas of my life that are important to me, especially when I am in the FOG!

I know this too shall pass, and honestly I am just trying to soak up every moment. When that baby cries, he doesn't cry for long before he is picked up, held, consoled, sang to, rocked, and doted on. I am loving my time with Coop too. He is just a gem. What a treasure!

So, I am definitely in need of a little grace. Mostly from myself. Things don't have to be perfect to be honoring to the Lord. I can let go of some of the big expectations of "having it all together" and just enjoy my time with the Lord, the sweet moments with my children, and serving my hard working, unconditional loving, amazingly devoted hubby! And when the baby is not crying, and I have a brief moment of sanity, maybe I can do a push up or two, or return a call from a sweet friend. And maybe, just maybe, get around to blogging just a bit;)

One Month

How has it already been a month?? Our little peanut is growing so fast! We have had lots of transitions here at the Rumley house.

Jerrod has been on sabbatical since the end of May, and is back in the office full swing. Our church is launching another campus and Jerrod will be the Campus Pastor. His days are busy getting things ready, having "townhall" meetings, meeting with families and potential volunteers, thinking through plans, entering information, etc. There's lots to do;)

Cooper is transitioning to having a baby brother again, having Daddy back at work full time, and going to preschool 4 days a week. Kind of a lot for a little guy!

Sawyer's tummy is having a rough time. He is on prevacid twice a day and we figured out that he is allergic to dairy....yep that means Momma is on no dairy (and no soy, since many babies allergic to milk are also allergic to soy). I guess this is a good post baby weight loss plan?? We'll see. It sure does simplify things to eat....No more Nutella for me;)

I am getting used to being at home more. I quit my job as a Kids Coordinator at church, so I have had the blessing of soaking in all those moments with Sawyer;) At this point, he likes to be held a lot with his tummy, so I spend a lot of my day doing that. My heart is adjusting to so many changes in our lives, all the while still really missing Tyler.

Here are a few pics;)....

Sawyer - 5 Days

Sawyer - 5 Days

I'm a big boy! 1 Month old...

I love, love, love my Bubby!

Sweet boy! Jerrod has been calling him Junior. Really funny! He does look a lot like Daddy, especially with those BLUE eyes. I can't even believe I have a blue eyed baby!

One last pic I had to share. Doesn't this just speak so much without saying a word? I asked my sweet friend Cori to see if she could photoshop all three together and this is what she did. I just love having a picture that represents all three of their little lives. Tyler is 3 months here, Cooper is 4 1/2, and Sawyer is 5 days. They all three have the dimple in their chin;)

Feeling so blessed today! My heart is full (even though I'm holding a cranky baby right now;)

D-Day and Preschool

I have not forgotten about the blog, I have just been so tired in the evenings to update:) Thanks for your patience...hopefully we'll find a rhythm soon. Jerrod started back to work today and Cooper had his first day of preschool, it's been a busy day!

More D-Day pics....

First picture as a family of 5;)

Sawyer gets 500 wet kisses from his bubby everyday:)

First Day of Preschool.....

Thank you for continuing to pray for and love on our family. We are so blessed! I can't believe our sweet Sawyer is already here, and many days I still can't believe our Tyler is gone. Sawyer's presence makes Tyler's absence all the more real. I'm so thankful that our God fills the void we feel in our family and that He continues to walk beside us. We certainly have seen how much the Lord has used so many of you to minister to our hearts, especially in the last couple of months, and we could not feel more loved;)

For anyone interested....

The lanterns in Sawyer's nursery came from "Just Artifacts", but honestly I just googled "paper lanterns" and found a site that was cheap and had the colors I wanted. His bedding came from "Mod Pea Pod," and it is the most awesome site! The bedding is all custom and you can pick from a million different already made bedding or design your own. It was very reasonable for the quality and cuteness of what we got (Thank you Mom for our bedding;). Sawyer's crib is made by Munrie and we got it at USA baby (Thank you Dad and Steph). I think you can google Munrie and find out where there is a retailer closest to you.

He's Here :)

Our precious Sawyer is here! He arrived on Saturday morning at 8:29, weighing 6 pounds, 6 oz. and is 19 inches long. I'm sorry it's taken me a few days to post, we have just been soaking in and enjoying every moment with our little gift.

He is such a joy. I am already in love with this little teeny thing, I can hardly stand it! I just wanted to share a couple of pictures of our Sawyer entering the world....

And a sneak peak at his newborn pictures...Thank you Cori!!

Sawyer's Nursery (well...almost:)

It's so exciting! Sawyer's nursery is almost complete! Now we just need a baby to bring home;)

This is the changing table/dresser. The green basket has wipes and diapers in it:)

This is an up-close of the picture board. It's a bulletin board that my sweet friend Shara helped me to cover using some extra fabric, ribbon and a staple gun. We can put pictures of all of Sawyer's friends and family up for him to look at while he gets his diaper changed.

Total cost: $10

We decided to go with the round turquoise knobs for Sawyer's dresser. I think it turned out pretty cute and hopefully is something he can use for a long time to come.

We finally got the missing piece to the crib front, so we are ready for business!

This was one of my favorite things! Remember how I had several vinyl choices? Well, I emailed the girl on Etsy and she mentioned that the vinyl didn't work very well on canvas. I really wanted something that stuck off the wall for over the crib and I loved the idea of his name with the I Samuel verse.

Okay, so are you ready for this?? My awesome friend Cori looked at a picture of the vinyl lettering and made this on her computer. She made the background a textured orange color that I think really pops off the blue walls. Even better...we printed it at COSTCO on a canvas! YES, Costco does canvas prints! How great!!! I think it turned out so cute!

Up close of the bedding:)

We did lanterns in the corner with different colors and heights. It fills the space nicely and is almost like a mobile for Sawyer to look at.

This is sort of a picture wall. We bought some rope at the hardware store, tied a knot on both ends, and put clothespins on it. Once we get pictures of Sawyer (and other ones too, like Tyler and the rest of us), we will print them on Matte board and hang them with the clothespins.

Total Cost: $4

Fun pic of the side table. The lamp is one we had from Coop's room, the nametag is from a gift from Sawyer's shower, and the vase and manzanita are from the shower and a flower arrangement that was sent.

Total Cost: $0

These ecru frames will most likely go on either side of the curtains on the wall when you walk in Sawyer's room. We'll put his fun newborn pics in them and update them as he grows.

I think the curtains turned out so cute. We bought the black-out panels at Target and then used extra fabric and trim to add a little bit to the top. Laurie helped me with this project and got them all ready for the nursery:)

Here's a big shot of when you walk in the room...I think the Ecru frames will look cute on either side of the window:)